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Hardest Pill to Swallow

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So, I have been trying to write this post for about a week now. It is not that I don’t know what I want to say or that I have writer’s block, but more that what I have to say is not something I am ready to accept yet.

A little over a week ago, Braden texted me and told me that he didn’t want to get back together when he got back. He said he wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t want to be in a relationship that he didn’t want. This broke my heart. Here I was thinking that when he got back we were going to talk about getting back together, I did this really awesome golf themed birthday/Christmas present for him, and now he says no. It’s done. Well, he said he still wants to be friends and so do I, but I am a sexual being and he told me we can’t have sex for a while.

Braden has now been back in town since January 5th. I saw him for the first time that night. He acted like everything was okay and that he never broke up with me. We exchanged gifts and he loved his gift from me. I got the best gift ever too. His mom knitted me an infinity scarf and it is super soft and I love it. He also brought me some candy and Canadian maple syrup. The best part of my gift, though, was the open heart necklace he bought me. It is so pretty and elegant and I have worn it every day.

The first night, he convinced me, after a lot of back and forth, to have sex with him again. So we did and we took a shower and had a nice night. We kissed, he kissed me on the forehead, and we spent the night together. That night he said he only wanted to have sex 3 times a month and we take a week off. I agreed to it. Jessica and I made a bet as to how long it would take him to try to have sex with me again and she won. Less than 24 hours. He told me that he hated that sex with me was so good because he wants it all the time. So, here we are, January 9th, and Braden and I are not together but we have had sex at least once a day since he has gotten home.

As I am trying to figure out why he broke up with me in the first place, Jessica and I have been talking a lot about our relationship. She told me that Braden texted her over break asking about whether or not it would be okay for him to hook up with another girl or not. She told him that if he did then he would have to call it off with me and either way it was going to hurt both of us. She said that he contemplated it for multiple days and then he did it. Although, he didn’t hook up with anyone. So, Jessica thinks that he broke it off with me in order to hook up with someone but the hook up never happened. She wants me to ask him for a reason, but I am too scared. I don’t know if I want to know yet. For now, he and I will continue to hook up and hang out all the time and we will see where things go again.

I also found out that I got accepted into my Imaging Sciences program that I am starting in the fall, and I am only 1/26 students they are accepting. Braden was thrilled to hear this and gave me the biggest hug and kiss. I know there is still a part of him that loves me and there is also still a part of him that blames me for what happened. I just need to bring out the side of him that wants me in his life. I am determined to do it. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone. Braden is still the guy I want in my life.

Love,

Courtney

What the Future Holds

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Every girl has an idea about what she thinks her future will be like and how it will play out for her. This is how I want my life to go (obviously, it might not happen, but this is my tentative plan):

Get my Bachelors degree in Imaging Sciences in May 2020 at the age of 22.

Start my career in a hospital somewhere close to where Braden will be pursuing his career in Turf Management.

Get married by the time I turn 25 in 2023.

Have my first kid shortly after.

I want to live in the country just outside the city with a lot of land. I want my house to be big enough for my 4 kids and some dogs. I want a wrap around porch.

Have a great dane named Mouse and a Chinese Shar Pei.

I will have 4 kids with Braden. Our first boy will be named Darcy after his dad. Either our second son or our first daughter will be named Charlie. The other two names are undecided.

I will get a big, white Chevy truck because it is my dream car.

I know that none of this is guaranteed just like tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, but this is how I want my life to go. I want Braden and I to both be successful and be able to put our children through school. Braden and I have had this talk before about our future which is another reason why I hope we get back together. He is really the one guy I can see myself spending my life with and growing old next to. I plan to fight like hell to make all of our dreams come true. I plan on having Braden by my side throughout life to just make fun of me and have an overall fun time with. He just makes everything in life better.

Trouble With The Law

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About a month ago, Braden, Aaron, and Dom went to Lincoln to get Dom a car, which they ended up not even getting that day. While they were waiting for the guy that was selling them the car to get out of class, they went to a buddy’s apartment and bought less than an ounce of weed. They were driving to get money out of the ATM when they got pulled over because Braden had a taillight out. The cop smelled weed in the car, which the smell is usually there because they smoke in the car sometimes. The cop had Braden come sit with him in the cop car. “I smelled weed in the car,” the cop stated, “is there anything you would like to tell me about?”

“No, sir,” Braden explained, “we have smoked in my car before, but there is no weed in there now.”

“Would you mind if I checked?”

“Go ahead, sir,” Braden said knowing Dom had stashed the weed in his pants already.

The cop then pulled Aaron out the backseat of the car. “Alright son, I know there is weed in the car. Be honest with me and tell me where it is,” the cop questioned Aaron.

“Yes, sir, there is weed,” Aaron said unknowingly, “in the center console.”

Dom heard Aaron tell the cop this, so he took it out of his pants and put it back in the center console. The cop went into the car and found the weed. He walked back to the police car and explained to Braden, “Your friend Aaron told me where the weed was, so I now have probable cause to search the rest of your vehicle. How do you guys usually smoke it?”

Braden confessed to the cop saying, “We usually smoke it in papers. There used to be a pipe in my car a long time ago, but I am not sure if it is there or on campus.”

The cop went back and search the car again and found the pipe. The cop told the guys that he even smoked sometimes and didn’t get why it was a big deal, but he still had to do his job. He gave all three a possession of marijuana citation and gave Braden an additional citation for possession of drug paraphernalia for the pipe and then let them leave.

After that, we thought everything was over with and they just had to deal with the courts. Well, no. The cop called the campus security and told him that he was told there was a pipe on campus, so the campus security came and searched both of their rooms. They didn’t find anything drug related, only alcohol, so the campus security just gave them fines for the alcohol. They were then freaking out because they thought they were going to get kicked off the golf team. They didn’t get kicked off the golf team. They also qualified for diversion, which is when you don’t go to court and you just do community service, classes, and pay fines so that the charge doesn’t go on your record. Well, Braden was a minor at the time of the offense so he had to have a parent’s signature. He didn’t want to tell his mom anything, especially since Aaron was going back home with him.

Braden had me call the diversion office after they left to go to Canada for break and have the lady email the forms to him. So, I did and she emailed them to him. She emailed him the adult papers though and no one caught it, so he didn’t have to tell his mom. They also only have to pay like $200 and do community service and write an essay, so they got off easy.

Bright Side of Everything

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I have never thought of myself as being one of those girls who would spill her heart out to a guy just to get him back. Well, I did, just that, last night.

Braden and I have still not gotten back together, and a few days ago I started having doubts about whether we ever would or not because I noticed that one girl, Sabrina, had posted a picture of him on Instagram for his birthday, December 22. On that post, she and another girl started talking about Braden and her getting married. I then saw, on a picture he had posted, that she commented asking who’s man that was. Now, I tend to be a pretty jealous person. What’s mine is mine. So seeing all this didn’t settle well with me, especially since I knew they always texted and she always tried to facetime him when we were together. I didn’t say anything and I just let it slide because I can’t really say anything because 1) the whole Luke thing and 2) we aren’t technically together. I still love Braden and want to be with him, so last night I sent him this message:

“I don’t care what you say, but you are mine. I love you and care more about you than anyone or anything else. You make me beyond happy and my face lights up when I see your name pop up on my phone. I am glad you are having such a great time back home and I can’t wait to have you back here so that when I am sick, like tonight,  you can cuddle me. Soon though. But, I am going to bed since I have been throwing up for the past half hour. I will talk to you tomorrow babe. I love you bunches! And if you aren’t ready then don’t worry about it. I will wait for you. You’re the only guy I want in my life. Goodnight! <3”

He told me last week that he loved me, but he didn’t say it last night. He did, however, screenshot the message and tell me that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to him. He said that he wanted to have a serious talk about it when he got back from Canada since we are on winter break. We have talked a lot lately so that has been really nice, but I still miss him. I am hoping, though, that this talk we are having when he gets back is to discuss getting back together.

It’s Been Awhile…

This is the first time I have posted in a while. I apologize. I told myself I would blog at least once a week but I have been very busy and tired. I am going to make it a habit, though, from now on. Every week, I will post at least once. Thanks for sticking around!

As far as an update on Braden and I goes…. We still aren’t together, but I have a strong feeling that will change soon!

I will post a better update from my laptop tomorrow!

What I Wish I Could Say

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  1. I love you with all my heart and it terrifies me to think about not being with you because that’s all I want in life.
  2. I know next quarter you will be super busy and I won’t see you as much, but that doesn’t matter because at the end of the day you will be falling asleep next to me.
  3. I don’t need you to be the perfect boyfriend all the time, I just need you to be there for me when I need you.
  4. Yes, we have our tiny little bickering matches, but I want to get through all our fights and troubles together because, at the end of the day, I only want you.
  5. I am self-conscious and jealous. Whenever you are with other girls or are talking to other girls on your phone, I worry about if you like them more or if they are prettier or more fun than I am.
  6. When I am mad at you, all I really need to feel better is for you to kiss away all the anger.
  7. When I am ignoring you, and being a little brat, I do it because I want your attention
  8. The little things you do, like send me random Snapchats of your face or just texting me just to say hello and you miss me, makes my day and makes me smile ear to ear.
  9. I absolutely love having sex with you because you make me feel like the sexiest woman in the world.
  10. I don’t like that you only talk about our sex lives in front of the guys when I am there, it makes me feel dirty.
  11. I love your body, but I wish you didn’t weigh yourself every day after you work out because it makes me more insecure about my body.
  12. I really like wearing your clothes, especially when you are gone, because it makes me feel wrapped up in you.
  13. Don’t say things just because it is something I want to hear, it won’t make me happy if you don’t actually mean it.
  14. I care about what your family thinks about me.
  15. I wish you would try to cheer me up when I am obviously upset instead of continuously asking if I am okay.
  16. I remember everything we have ever talked about.
  17. I love holding your hand or cuddling up next to you, no matter who is around.
  18. It means so much to me when I see you smile.
  19. I love appreciating you and complimenting you.
  20. I am not trying to outdo you when it comes to our relationship.
  21. I see us being together in our future because when I am with you I feel happier than I have ever felt before and I never want to leave.
  22. A breakup is not near as heartbreaking to me as you being unhappy in our relationship.
  23. Just because our relationship is different now than it was in the first few months of our relationship is okay. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss it, but we are still together and, to me, that is all that matters.
  24. I like taking photos of us so that when we are apart, I can look through them and feel joy.
  25. I like having memories to look back on.
  26. When I am quiet, it usually means I want you to say more and I am just listening.
  27. I feel secure when you put your arm around me, wherever we are.
  28. I like hearing that you miss me because it makes me feel wanted.
  29. The way you say I love you matters, I can tell when you mean what you say and when you don’t.
  30. At the same time, I don’t need you to tell me you love me all the time.
  31. I am more than sorry for breaking up with you. It was a mistake and I regret it every day.
  32. I blame myself every day for us not being together and for the problems that we are having.
  33. I wish we could go back to the way we were before, but I know we can’t.
  34. I want us to forget about what happened and move forward and grow stronger with each other.
  35. I really do love you and nothing can change that.
  36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you because you are the best and most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

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Lately, Braden and I have been talking more and more about being together. He told me that just because we don’t give our thing a label as a relationship doesn’t mean we don’t know it is a thing. I have basically started living with him and his roommate in their apartment even though my apartment is in the next building over. We got a bigger bed as well. We have been talking a lot about our future. Today, he shared a picture of a baby picture with me and the caption was: We are going to do this some day! I love thinking about our future together.

The future I see for us, which we have talked about time and time again:

We will both finish school within the next three years and have our careers figured out. We will live in a state that allows for marijuana because Braden smokes recreationally every now and then and doesn’t want to get in trouble if he ever does use it. We will also live somewhere where there are plenty of golf courses for Braden to work at because he is going into turf management. We will get a house that we can afford and live in for a little while and then when we get more financially stable we will buy a bigger one in the country since we will need plenty of room for our family. I want to be married and pregnant before I turn 26, so we still have 5+ years for our relationship to grow. We will have four children, two boys and two girls with a boy first, hopefully. One of our boys’ names will be Darcy, after Braden’s dad. One of our children’s name will be Charlie because I am absolutely obsessed with that name. We will have lots of dogs, primarily a Blue Merle Great Dane named Mouse (my dream dog).

I realize we will have our ups and downs and I have already made plenty of mistakes in our relationship, but I believe that no matter what life throws at us we will overcome it. Baby steps, that is what I am getting from him right now and everything gets better every day. The little things are keeping me very happy lately and I am grateful that he is coming around.

Until Tomorrow,

Courtney