Hardest Pill to Swallow

So, I have been trying to write this post for about a week now. It is not that I don’t know what I want to say or that I have writer’s block, but more that what I have to say is not something I am ready to accept yet.

A little over a week ago, Braden texted me and told me that he didn’t want to get back together when he got back. He said he wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t want to be in a relationship that he didn’t want. This broke my heart. Here I was thinking that when he got back we were going to talk about getting back together, I did this really awesome golf themed birthday/Christmas present for him, and now he says no. It’s done. Well, he said he still wants to be friends and so do I, but I am a sexual being and he told me we can’t have sex for a while.

Braden has now been back in town since January 5th. I saw him for the first time that night. He acted like everything was okay and that he never broke up with me. We exchanged gifts and he loved his gift from me. I got the best gift ever too. His mom knitted me an infinity scarf and it is super soft and I love it. He also brought me some candy and Canadian maple syrup. The best part of my gift, though, was the open heart necklace he bought me. It is so pretty and elegant and I have worn it every day.

The first night, he convinced me, after a lot of back and forth, to have sex with him again. So we did and we took a shower and had a nice night. We kissed, he kissed me on the forehead, and we spent the night together. That night he said he only wanted to have sex 3 times a month and we take a week off. I agreed to it. Jessica and I made a bet as to how long it would take him to try to have sex with me again and she won. Less than 24 hours. He told me that he hated that sex with me was so good because he wants it all the time. So, here we are, January 9th, and Braden and I are not together but we have had sex at least once a day since he has gotten home.

As I am trying to figure out why he broke up with me in the first place, Jessica and I have been talking a lot about our relationship. She told me that Braden texted her over break asking about whether or not it would be okay for him to hook up with another girl or not. She told him that if he did then he would have to call it off with me and either way it was going to hurt both of us. She said that he contemplated it for multiple days and then he did it. Although, he didn’t hook up with anyone. So, Jessica thinks that he broke it off with me in order to hook up with someone but the hook up never happened. She wants me to ask him for a reason, but I am too scared. I don’t know if I want to know yet. For now, he and I will continue to hook up and hang out all the time and we will see where things go again.

I also found out that I got accepted into my Imaging Sciences program that I am starting in the fall, and I am only 1/26 students they are accepting. Braden was thrilled to hear this and gave me the biggest hug and kiss. I know there is still a part of him that loves me and there is also still a part of him that blames me for what happened. I just need to bring out the side of him that wants me in his life. I am determined to do it. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone. Braden is still the guy I want in my life.

Love,

Courtney