I am in El Paso, Texas for Thanksgiving and my grandma is in the hospital, but she doesn’t have the colon infection like they thought. She is just dehydrated and very weak. Braden is in Beatrice packing to go back to Canada tomorrow. We have been talking a lot lately on the phone via Snapchat and Skype. I just feel like all we really talk about is sex. He has been there for me when I am in a bad mood and just wished to talk and he has been very supportive with my grandma’s situation. Right before I left Beatrice to come to El Paso though he told me that he really just wants to be friends and everything right now through the winter quarter because he has a lot on his plate. That really hurt me because I want to be in a relationship with him. I want to be able to prove to him that I do love him, but I feel like I am not really getting that opportunity. I know the reason I am not getting that opportunity is because I broke up with him for another guy, which was really stupid of me and I know it, but I was scared. No one has ever made me feel the way he makes me feel. I was just making up the most ridiculous excuses to break up with him because of the fact that I was so used to being played and treated like shit that when I started to actually fall for Braden and feel these feelings I’ve never felt before, I just didn’t know what to do. Now, I realize that Braden is the guy I want and he just makes me so happy, but all he wants us to be for a while is best friends and like friends with benefits because he is taking 27 credits next quarter and won’t get to see me very much. We are taking a class together, though, so I mean we can do homework together and everything, but it isn’t the news I wanted to hear.
Braden is going to Canada tomorrow for four days for his mom’s wedding. His mom had asked a couple of weeks ago if I was coming, but I had to say no because of Thanksgiving and family time and because I don’t have a passport. His mom, I think, really likes me, we have had a few short conversations about school and what I see in my future and everything. I love the way Braden treats his mom. He just has so much love for her. I love listening to him talk about his family and things that he is passionate about because his eyes just light up and he gets really into the stories. Braden is going to look very handsome this weekend for the wedding and I am really looking forward to seeing lots of pictures since I have never gotten to really see him in anything other than t-shirts, sweats, golf attire, and hockey jerseys. Braden really is a sweet and sensitive guy at heart. His laugh and his smile are contagious as well. I just can’t help but smile every time I see him. I am hoping that everything between us works out because I don’t want to lose him and I don’t know if I will ever meet another guy like him. I have to pick him up at the airport on Monday and I am so excited. This is the longest, so far, that he and I have gone without seeing each other so I can’t wait to see him.
Even though we aren’t technically together, I feel like we still act like we are together. He still kisses me goodnight and goodbye and we hold hands in public. He told me today that he misses me and yesterday he told me I needed to come home already! We spend a lot of time together and a lot of people think we are together, but we aren’t. I could be out “slutting it up” like I did my freshman year of college, but I really don’t need any other guys in my life other than him. He satisfies my every need and makes me extremely happy. Even though I am single, I don’t want to risk losing something so amazing for a one night stand. We make each other dinner. We drink together. I sit with him when he gets high and I make him pancakes afterward because that is what he always craves. We just get each other and I think that is what I like so much about him. The fact that we have so much in common. We talk about our future and what it could possibly have to hold and a lot of the things we talk about we agree on. When we don’t agree on something, though, it isn’t pretty. We have gotten in a few arguments, but not very many. The ones we have been in though have pretty much ended with us not talking and then going to be together and talking it out and apologizing. I think it is really the time we spend not talking to each other that really helps. We sit in the same room or he sits in the living room and I in the bedroom and we just don’t talk to each other. It really helps to let both of us think over the situation and see it from both sides. We have both decided we don’t like fighting, but all couples fight. Braden said that when he sees me at the airport he is going to give me a big hug, so that is what I am looking forward to for the next few days!